Friday, March 25, 2005

it'll all fall apart

right, quick shifty at me dual timezone clocks tells me it's about, well, 2 hours til this stupid SonicStage software imports my mp3s so I can update my shiny fingerprint magnet Sony network walkman with some Bloc Party and some one-man mad mentalism from a underneath a bucket somewhere outside Cambridgecestershire. More importantly though, its about, well, 12 hours til I get on a patched up 737 courtesy of bargain airline EasyJet and flop over to Spain to spend two and a half weeks laughing like a madman on the beach as I think about the woeful assortment of project managers I've left behind to do all my rubbish stuff while I'm away.

they won't do it though. I say it's because I'm so frighteningly efficient that my projects look after themselves while I'm away. They even make small origami models of Menlo Park for people as they pass, and compliment them on their free Sun Education laptop bags. All that effort I put in the last 4 weeks. The selfless dedication I have to the success of the project. My children think I start work at 4pm, because they never see me after that. I'm always on the dog and bone, waiting for 50 minutes quietly in the corner and then suddenly getting IM'd and blurting out some incomprehensible gibberish that I just quickly nerfed from my iBull. Sam gave me a hug today while I was washing up the tea things and I said "aaaaaaah. what's that for Sam?" and he said "because I won't see you. you're going to work now" and it wasn't even a work day. He just thinks I disappear at that time and "do my calls".

the truth is, things will go on without me and I'll come back in 2 and a half weeks and I'll login and I'll IM someone and say "heyyyyy. I'm back!" and try and intimate a knowing kind of sideways nod and a wink in an instant message and expect them to somehow pick up on the fact that I want then to ask me about my vacation. Except they'll just say "did you finish that roadmap for the countries?" and I'll sink into my office chair and my tan will just instantly fade and the camera will suddenly zoom out above me while I'm looking up from my desk in the middle of a million identical desks and my mouth will be forming the words "heeeellllp meeeeee" but noone will hear me scream.

because I've left myself on mute. arse.

Saturday, March 5, 2005


You have to get yourself one of these. Just $399 will get you an indefinite 'get out of corporate jail free' card. If you've ever been stuck for what to say, when know the right kind of thing to say, this is for you. No more stuttering around the corridor saying 'I wish I'd said yzx'. No more reaching that final slide on global venue management and feeling that cold bead of sweat trickling down your forehead, as you remember you went out with "Bob" last night and got mashed up at "Bob's Place", instead of adding those recommendations that the CXO, who's sat in front of you, looking at his Sony Ericsson, wanted by last Friday.

You need this in your life. There's even a free demo, if you can find it on the page, so get cracking, and you'll never have to worry about being stupid again.